All those years, I had forgotten the things that gave me happiness. But today I am slowly realizing what I should be doing but it is the scariest thing. I have been chalking it up to the fickle nature of my heart that I keep making U-turns every now and then. It is like an unsolvable mathematical problem and unfortunately the method I am using is trial and error. And I am yet to find the right answer. Only a sense of where I might find it. I am constantly going back to the reference of time because time is the only demon on my shoulder who keeps reminding me to move fast. Just the thought that I might not have time tomorrow.
I am realizing that what I do today does not move me. I do not feel a sense of pride. My eyes do not fill up with tears when I think of what I do. It is a late realization stemming from the fact that I have had such experiences in my past. It isn't me saying that I could do this or that and I would feel that sense of pride and happiness that would move me to tears. It is me saying I know what I should do to make myself reach there. But alas, it is scary. Another U-turn now would mean I have to go back to the start. Not that I dislike the thought of starting again, just that I am fearful of the distance I would need to travel to reach there. I am unsure of the depth I would need to dig to find the persistence to make it possible.
I had not realized how important the role heart played in changing the sentence from I am doing my job to I am loving what I do. It is a cliché born into my generation but the next are handling it far better. We never had the cognizance to find out what we'd like to become and work towards it. We were more inclined to take what we got and dream of where we'd like to be on the sidelines. In the long run of what I hope my career will be, I need my heart and mind to be on the same page so that I am content with what I do. To be rewarded in pride and happiness in knowing this is what I do.
But today I know, I need to make changes in my priorities. I do not have the courage to make U-turns, but slowly I'd like to align myself to my true north. I might not realize all my dreams but surely I would make the effort to chase them down. That is all I can hope.
I knew I needed change. I am slowly recognizing what they should be. Slowly I am able to see the broken shell of a man I have become and how I can fix it. I can go back and start afresh and see if I can gain some of the momentum I may have lost. Today, I learn that having all of me together is important. I need to break the façade in my mind. Tomorrow will be beautiful again because all of me will stand by me in what I decide to do with my life.
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It is important to open up to the heart. The silent whispers from deep within is the true strength I hope to gain in life. One that provides unquenchable thirst and strength to stand tall. An internal compass that provides direction in the darkest of seas. The north star that guides and answers all questions.
In the heart lies the vision for life and source of happiness. Solutions to the unanticipated and unexpected problems that life throws.
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Sometimes I catch myself dreaming of a day I have the courage to say it out loud. It is your choice. If you do take the leap of faith I'd be outside waiting. If not no harm no foul, life goes on.
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Windows. They are true masters of storytelling. On the off chance you happen to peek into one, observe as they narrate. They do it in hush tones, softly build up the story until you no longer remember the time that's flown by. You stand by the window waiting for the next sequence. The reel never ends. That to me is hope. Hope that tomorrow will be a great sunrise, that the night is still young, that no matter what happens during the day, in the evening all of us can always hope to ride into a gradual sunset. Not the kind that ends quickly but the type that takes its time to slowly sink into everyone's heart and finally says goodbye in the colors of the sky. One that leaves a happy thought in your mind that they will be back again tomorrow.
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Sometimes there are these lucid dreams, they feel very real. So real that I wake up not knowing where I am. Unsure if I am still dreaming.
There be a cliff. A house right on the edge with a balcony overlooking the ocean. The sea would be shallow sky blue. Like the kind that radiates light from within. Behind the house be mountains of huge rocks with scattered green patches. From the balcony on a summer noon I'd be able to see the harbor down below. There be many sailing boats parked in colors ranging from yellow to blue. A short road running parallel to the sea with warehouses on the side followed by the local market. Houses with tilted brown tiled roof. There be small passages that goes inwards between houses. The passage leading to a circular fountain with birds around. There be shops at the junction, an art shop, a bar, a café, a hardware store and a supermarket.
From the house at the top I'd see all of the town and all the details from the window in my study.
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Monotonously the sun burns and brings dawn and dusk to sea shores. The artist at work here never complaints and constantly delivers. He will today and surly again tomorrow. The rigorous discipline unmatched will passionately remind the world the true nature of the word commitment.
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Sometimes my body just refuses to move. It just does not wish to do anything. It feels like I am stuck in a time-lapse, a frozen instant in time while everything around me moves on, lost in day dreams. Dreams of what could have and should have been. A song on loop waiting for a switch.
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This pandemic, it isn't an uninvited guest who suddenly dropped at the door. It is a war ambushed in the middle of the night. While I live cocooned inside the luxury of the evolution of civilization, it chips away in the dark of the night until morning come. Until it is time for me to wake up and am rudely woken up by the unknown roaring away at the walls outside. Like the hunted in the middle of the night the only way I know is from the shadows I don't recognize.
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Instincts is a need. Somebody had once said, the mountains are humbling. With their magnificent stature and unmoving nature, it is I who has to change to adapt and not the other way around. They remain true to who they are all year around. They only answer to the nature they are a part of.
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I am no longer who I was. Today it sinks in. I have changed far and far. I no longer crave a trance after long hard day. I crave peace and mellow in a solitude of my making.
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The threads of time wrap around me, like a spider web entangling, grown by the things I've done and my way of life. Slowing me down with each step I make. For every step I take forward, I move back two. The agility of youth lost to the passage of time. I am required to carefully consider my next step so as to make sure i don't slip back too far. This fog so thick, making it near impossible to see what's coming my way. I am waiting for day I regain some of my mobility. For this smoke to clear and give me back my vision.
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Moving on. To newer things. Not sure if that is necessarily better. I realise i can only understand what I currently possess as it becomes an afterthought. It is sad but true. As the next chapter unfolds, the great parts of the previous chapter become a summary in my mind. So with a heavy heart I say come forth, what's next.
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Though it might not seem like it, I have written this at a snails pace. Mulling it over again and again over years to check if it still resonates. Slow seems to be a constant with me. But this time around things are starting to clear up. Slowly but surely I seem to have found an old feeling. One I thought had faded. But there is something else. Somehow feels like I have found something else too. Though I am having a hard time putting a finger on it.
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This has been a really long prologue in the making. Funny thing is I haven't figured out the story yet. This post though is a special one. What is true north without the single most resonating impulse of the heart. It is one I have had to dig very hard to find. That incredible boom that makes the heart skip a beat.