The yearning
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I had grown tired of the city I was living. Life had started to follow a routine. It was comfortable and it was good but in those minutes between, I had started to think otherwise. It had reached a point where those few minutes between started to influence the good times and I started to consider. Maybe it is time, I moved on. Move on from this comfort zone I was currently living to something new.
Doubt
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Right now, there are moments I wonder if made the right choice. I realize it only means I should have done it sooner. The smooth and fast pace is now replaced by a need for patience, and learning and creating the new normal. I am now surrounded by a new set of people. A friend had once pointed out, " You are an acquired taste". So in all those moments of anxiety, I remind myself, give it time. Let the episode of your brash arrogance fade away, you can shine after. Until then, stay focused, there is a herculean task ahead. A chance to rebuild and recreate. Choose wisely and learn from experience. Make it better, make it stronger, let that be your learning of the process in life.
Re-Build
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While I knew I had to forgo who I was to discover who I can become, it feels the theory was easier. To contemplate who I should be has been easier than who I currently am. There is a chip on my shoulder from the respect I earned. Now I am left confused as I am forced to shatter my confidence in order to build it up.
Theory of solitude
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I had once indulged in a conversation about what it meant to be in solitude. In my perspective, it meant being comfortable standing alone in the darkest of nights both with respect to time of day and psych of my mind. More so psychologically because when my mind was at ease the rest automatically fell into place. While I have been a constant advocate of change, there is no denying the fact that change is hard. Comfort zone to me is like an armor, of skill, of people, of place, of the way time fades away unnoticed while I keep myself busy with the day to day living. I shall not lie, living by what I believe has been tough but I strive none the less. One of those principles I would like to associate myself is that I will stand by what I preach. On the dark days I am living today and the ones to come I shall hold steady the anxieties and insecurities of my mind and step forward with fortitude. In order to build my armor, I shall shed all that hold me back and start afresh from square one.
Pain in loss
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Loss is hard, be it someone close, something you cherish, or moving out of a place you once called home. There is an unbearable and unimaginable pain that is associated with it. But we are human. Evolved through mountains and generations of it. We have done it before, hence I can. The beautiful mind that laughs and cries is built with an immense capacity to cope. When the time comes, hold all of you together and say, "We are good, we'll pull through".
I am not sure if this is the general rule but personally it always gets worse before it gets better. She passed away right next to me. I knew she was having a difficult time but reality was so cruel. I was there, wish I had reached a little earlier. I wish I could have said, "I am here", to which I yearn to hear her recognize. Now I would never know if she knew. All I am left with, is her sweet voice calling out my name. I am left with her asking when I would visit. It hurts. Just the fact that I am using past tense to write hurts. I feel sad and I feel angry. I feel there is a cold fire lit in my gut. Unlike the times before, it is not a desire to rise above. This time around, it is chill and heavy. I dare not open my mouth cause I know my voice would not step out. I know I would choke. This pain feels like it will live long. Everyone is doing their part to move forward. I have decided to throw myself into work. There happens to be plenty to go around. It's a good antidote. Mustering all my strength so as to not miss out.
Ideals of childhood
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The graph is terrible. Between the fortunate and options they are made available to and the not so fortunate and the world they hear off. On the one side I saw the fortunate shy away to take up initiative and on the other the oblivious hungry for chance. How does the principles of supply and demand apply. The demanding are not supplied and the ones supplied don't yearn for opportunity. There are no scales of balance, just the unapologetic truth of reality. Grim is the plight of education. To expect children to understand the value of education is naïve. Simply put, they are children, focus should never be beyond the now. A time to nurture dreams, creativity, ideals of friendship, and learning to build character and trust.
Strength in darkness
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I am finding that dark again now. It is a mixed feeling. I yearn for the power it carries for me when it happens, but while right in the middle I crave to escape. Never able to completely embrace it. It is easy to cover myself in light. The happy days, not be bothered about the details. But when there is darkness all around, I am vigilant. Scared and always sensitive to what is happening around me. I am constantly on guard and it is tiring. I am bothered about everything, overthinking and constantly looking at my future. It has to blow over, and then begin the new dawn.
Strengths of a quite mind
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I think I have a gift. I can read people well. To some extent I guess you could call it stereotyping. But it works for me. Be it through the conversations or just observing people interact with others, I can read their strengths in their body language, and their insecurities. Combine them with the words they use, I can see them, with very vivid detail. But it is not the same as knowing what to do about it or how to speak or converse with them. That I believe is a completely different animal. One I am extremely deprived of.
Work ethic
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Why do I work long into the night ? It a simple question, but I have a deeper answer. It stems from the reason why I picked marketing. Why I quit as a developer and chose to pursue a masters in business administration and business analytics. It has a bearing on my nature as someone who does not like being comfortable, predictable, and monotonous. I spend 10+ hrs. of my day at work. This has been a common occurrence for a while. I do not mind it. Stretching farther, as much as necessary to reach a target. Yearning to feel that satisfaction from a day well spent. Those 10 hrs. are a major chunk of my normal day. I don't separate it from my life. My life and my work coexist. Time I carve out to live, small pockets between work and always with many instances where it is the other way around. Marketing in its enormity is endless and limitless to someone who wants to constantly keep learning. With seldom few dull moments. The best part being nobody has the right answer. Everything completely subjective. This nature of marketing will hold true for years because the ideals that govern marketing are based on human behavior. One of the finest examples of fickle nature. An ocean of uncertainty and I am a single drop armed with a yearning to cross over.
Words of my father
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Today is March 1st 2020. This morning is special. Today I reinforce a point I've know for a while. It is only the effort that counts. Nothing else matters. A few days back I was in conversation with my father walking him through my day. Realizing I was have it tough, he said, "Show them what you've got". I liked what he said that day. Today it sinks deeper in the context of all he has said till date. In my interpretation of his words he said, "Let all around you burn and you can take it. Show them you can take anything thrown at you. Let them know you are built to last. It does not matter what the outcome, burn all that stands in your way which is stopping you from running at the best of what you can deliver. That is my ask of you. If you've done that there is nothing more".
Adapting to live
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A friend had once spoken about a theory. He called it all factory adaptation. The context he spoke about was the stinking socks and smelly clothes in our dorm rooms but today I am extrapolating to the rapid changes in life. There is another perspective to change that I haven't spoken about so far. Change also means something unexpected has happened that I was unprepared to cope at the moment. Accepting said change is me re-calibrating my life to accommodate and own it. A philosophical application of the all factor adaptation. When George spoke of it, the application was rigid and devoid of options. We had to, whether we liked it or not. Now a decade later, I have choices. I can opt to incorporate or change the path of my life to make sure the unexpected surprise is removed.
Silent impulse
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We are armed with 4 grand powers. We refer to them as the sense of sight, smell, hearing and touch. Our subconscious memory is the 5th. It is the grand instigator. Leaving aside the outliers such as photographic memory which is an absolute, the general population like you and me own a relative memory. Access to the recess of this library is purely based on the senses that provide us a sort of entry pass to step in. The subconscious memory is the owner of said library who triggers said impulses based on external inputs. It is in these moments of understanding that I am in awe of the architecture and design of our human body. Sometimes I'd like to do absolutely nothing when this happens. Stand still and drop whatever I am doing to be cognizant of said memory. It is the fuel to my empty mind running on reserve. It is bread to my hungry soul. Because whatever I do after, I am running at the best I can bring at that moment.
Wayward mind
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It is essential to speak up if you are in trouble. I do it occasionally. After all, we are built as humans and not gods. Slowly people close are starting to know. I am sleep deprived. Most days of the week I don't sleep until breakfast. Weekend being the worst. My tired body on most instances wanting to give up during the week and finally I sleep through the day on Saturdays and the cycle of insecurity repeats. The worst part is that I can feel my mind slipping. My thoughts are wandering the darkest recess of my mind. Ones I pray never comes out. But I am barely maintaining control, governing my school of thoughts has become a luxury I can't afford. Now all I pray is that while I walk this tight rope, hope it does not break. These are tumultuous times and I am walking through knowing there is a very dark future ahead.
Choice
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Sometimes it helps to sit on the steps and ponder. It would be nice if I were back home. Planning the next big travel. Go out into the world with friends, create new stories. But all of us are held down by a pandemic. There are times you want to get back and relax but this isn't one of them. There is a time when south Indian summers are nice. It becomes hot outside and all you'd want to do is sit in the shade and enjoy the warm summer breeze but this isn't one of them. It is really difficult to enjoy the breeze when you are forced to sit at home. I realize today that part of the fun was knowing you could go out in the heat but you choose to sit at home. The monsoon is right around the corner. Maybe it will be better when rain starts.
The grey space of living
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Social distancing is hard. But for those of us who have been doing it for years online and offline it comes a bit easier. But there is a catch. I now realize while I have been keeping people I care at a distance, I need their presence. There is a sense of comfort I gather from it. A sense of home I gather from them being around. Unfortunately this is never a fair deal. This is the grey in which I live and thrive. Nearby yet far away. I am learning the need to open up.
Trust
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To live by people's opinion is a horrible way to live. It would mean you are always shackled. But we are social beings, hence the need to depend and live of one another. I think this is okay. Find that few who you'd completely trust and live through their eyes. Feed of their view of you and in return share yours. I guess in my opinion I would call this my interpretation of love. To completely trust someone to have your back and in return offer to help complete the other. This long tiring journey called life is in dire need of a companion. Though short in the larger frame of the world, life is too long for a solitary existence.
Inspiration
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Inspiration is a fickle thing. It is very short lived. What you do when it is with you is what makes a difference. Ride it hard and ride it as long as possible. Build on it and it lasts longer. The story is a vessel to channel the inspiration. A story is what helps capture the fleeting inspiration so that you can relive it. Otherwise it becomes an endless wayward search not knowing where you can find it again. Waiting for the next rush of wind to shade those colors in your eyes again.
Sleep
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For years we have practiced the habit of sleeping at night. Sometimes we stay awake during the night and sleep during the day. Do that long enough and you'll know this particular situation. I'd put off sleeping again and again, pushing it hour after hour and suddenly I was sleeping in the night again. I woke up in the morning like any other one day. The time read that it was 6:40. A normal being would immediately recognize that it is early in the morning. I was struggling to realize that it was the morning. I had not woken up to a morning sun in so long that it came as a surprise. There are things we have done historically in the same manner. Sleeping at night is one of them and an essential habit that must not be tampered with.
Retrospection
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Retrospection is a long and arduous process and sometimes unending. After a while the pressure of it not ending will weigh in. This is my question today. When do I get to feel the earth beneath my legs. Is this my mid life crisis or is it a never ending existential crisis. I want to be at the top of my game again. Somehow I feel it cannot be done while I am torn between what I need to do and what I want. The best part is the fact that I don't know what I want. There just does not seen to be an answer to that question. I was under the impression I could resume I life once I start here. But life has been on pause for so long that I don't know where to begin. There is a decade of catch up to do and I don't know how to get where I should be. Funny enough, I don't know where I should be either.
This is my year in writing. Documenting the many ups and downs. Maybe it will get better. But If I have to be realistic, there is a chance it might go south as well. The best I could hope for today is that I am brave enough and bold enough to choose when the time comes. That, in my in retrospections is all I control. Rest I leave to fate, destiny or whatever time may choose to describe my life.