Columbus set out on the most epic journey to find India.
What did he see? When we look at the ocean what do we expect to see? Why is it
so relaxing and assuring? After all we see only endless ocean. When Columbus
set out, what drove him to believe there is an India out there. Makes you
wonder …
Is faith, determination and hard work all it takes to
achieve. Time and time again people have tested this theory.
We go through the same question of faith too. Face it at
every turn. It is more like walking into a dark forest hoping there is light at
the end. The great thing about it is the journey. Every fall is etched into
your memory and you acquire different skills as you tumble against different
obstacles. The immense satisfaction you feel at the end is irreplaceable, glad you
made the journey.
Every important decision I have made is a step into the dark
forest. An assurance of success is only 50%, the rest are carefully measured
moves made one step at a time. I am relating to Columbus currently because I
had been to the ocean recently and wondered what he may have thought. All I can be
sure of was what I can do right now, everything else is probability. Right from
my existence to what I would eat tomorrow.
So here is my theory. Armor yourself, one piece at a time
from your falls and mistakes. As the saying goes learn the art of fishing and
be least bothered about the catch. Be patient, don’t react, respond. Absorb
everything that is happening to you and learn. When you walk into a dark room
you temporarily lose sight. Like your pupil expanding to take in more light
become sensitive to everything happening around. There is a learning for the
most observant. Even the fiercest predator waits for the opportune moment. The
time to rise will come. It is at the end of the dark forest, where the light
shines bright.
The greatest skill one can learn from this journey is
patience. Like the artist who makes a thousand mistakes before parting a
portion of his soul onto the canvas, the moment will come. The greatest enemy
in this journey is anxiety. Will your greatest strength. Determination is what
feeds your will. There will be moments of despair and hopelessness. Ignore
everything else and focus all your strength on what you want to achieve and
find the courage to take steps towards it.
More often than not your brain will tell you something else
to do, generally the safer option. Find the courage to say no and follow your
heart. People say the heart is blind, not necessarily true.
There is a fine line between gambling and taking risks. This
arbitrary line is different for everyone. The journey will allow you to find
it. Don’t be a gambler yet be ambitious. Know what you want, understand what
you can forgo, play wholeheartedly and never give up.
Another pillar in my theory is play your strengths, your
weaknesses will always be your weakness. If someone says they have overcome
their weakness it just means they are better than the guy they were grading
against. The absolute standard is yourself, your strengths are your strengths
and your weaknesses are your weaknesses. There is no changing that fact. What
you learn while trying to overcome your weakness can be applied to your
strengths. They grow together. The most fundamental reason however is because
you like them, the strength defined by you will be who you become.
I was hoping that would be it. Get a good job, live a happy
life. Turns out it is not so. It is just one step in a long set of stairs. I
start work just to realize I am not the best. Still a lot to learn. It was like
I climbed a hill just to realize it is a plateau, it is smooth sailing for a
while but the Everest is still far of. So while the sailing is good, I want to
cover as much ground as possible as quickly as I can. The next climb is not far
off. After all it is the journey that counts, the top is just a memento.
I am completely stuck. No clue where to go. Actually that’s
no completely true. I do know where I need to reach. Just haven’t figured out
how I am going to reach there. I need help to proceed further. Need some kind
of support to keep reminding my goal. Someone or something to push me when I am
exhausted and feel a bit lazy. I realize everyone is built in a unique manner.
Some are strong enough to persevere until they reach their final goal. Keep
going through everything that is thrown at them. I can say because I know
friends who work in this manner. Me, I need help. There has to be something to
push me through. All the momentum I had is completely drained now. Guess I need
to fall again. That worked fine last time. I do not know of a force that works
better than failure. It will shoot you back with an unfathomable pressure. I
really do miss it now. Right now I am studying and the result will only be seen
after two years. I am not able to find the patience to wait that long. I keep
telling myself that I refuse to lose again. In the process I have successfully
distanced any new friends I make. I don’t have the same faith in people. Folks
I knew in college were great. Being stuck for four years made some strong
bonds. So here is the deal. I’d like to get a high paying job in marketing
research. Currently the talk I need to complete in order to reach there is to
figure out a topic for internship. Every now and then I thing I am going to
start and then end up procrastinating. I am not happy but this guilt is very
short lived. I am by nature a lazy guy though not relatively. I know people who
are much worse but I am not comparing. I have to make the leap. I refuse to
live the same way. Okay I just penned down everything hoping I would have more
clarity. I don’t see this helping. Still no solution. How the hell do you fight
basic nature? Something that crept onto you for years. Guess it is back to
music for me.
Sometimes I do wonder, if things had taken a different path
where I would be. Far away from home, from friends and family adapting to my
new habitat. New challenges, social and financial showing up. Definitely it
would help me grow but has it diminished my growing capacity now. I have an
above average life, doing things I love, good working environment and friends
around, living at home. I am in my comfort zone.
It is an important factor. People ask me to get out of my
comfort zone if I wish to explore new possibilities. I think there is a lot
comfort zone can offer. All you need is determination. It is a common factor in
both surroundings. Whether I am far away or living at home, determination is
what defines what I do about it. I don't feel any work is useless. There is
always some learning. Acknowledge that we have learnt something. It will come
in handy at a different situation. It is experience after all and no master
degree can beat experience, the most traditional and historic form of
education. I say this hear because I see myself looking for better
opportunities and I see some dear friends seeking what I have. It is confusing.
Should I be complacent and be happy or strive to look for better. I realize it
originates from our core nature to always want more but I am searching to know
if my need is justified. Do right by my conscience. I am not looking for wealth
nor glory, just knowledge on couple of fronts and to know more and more. I have
not relaxed. Striving forward with patience, tenaciously looking to achieve
what I have set out for myself. The greatest changes are always those that
happen in small steps.
I have talked about this before, today I saw an instance
where my belief was enforced again. I am a firm believer that no work goes
wasted if you put a 100% to it. I completed an internship a year back. I felt
at the moment it was the worst work one could do. I think that internship was
one of the reasons I landed my current job. My manager back then gave small
anecdotes into how consultancies work, what each of them did and how a product
or service came to fructification. These were completely informal conversations
of course. Today I use what I learnt back then and my previous employment in my
current job. Whether it is sales or research, there is always a learning. As
long as the concept has sunk in it will be useful, someday, somewhere. An
individual will always be the culmination of all his or her experiences and it
makes us unique. No two individual lives the same life, no two individual will
live the same combination of experiences.
The nh7 weekender. One of the best events to happen at India
in a year. It's named so because it is a multi - city, multi band,
multi genre event with musicians from geographies coming together and
performing at a single stage. Spread across 3 days, it's an experience to be at
the weekender and I have heard it gets better year after year. This is my kind
of space, 3 days filled with great music, friends who have similar taste and
good food. I am exactly where I should be, no place would be better, no future
would be different. It is not as easy as before to relax and let go but the
weekender has its moments. I can close my eyes and flow with the sounds around.
There are things that are visually appealing and then there are some that
cannot be embraced to the fullest while eyes are open. Some music fall under
this category. To me, very pure, music that transcends the moment. In one of
those moments I see the perfect life, whole and complete, incorruptible.
It could be said that idealistic thoughts are useless as far
as practicality is concerned. Some may say they are wrong. I think it is a
matter of choice. If i were to be practical, I would be in Mumbai right now
because that would have been the practical option. The promise from a beautiful
morning is all that has kept me here. Knowing if I am willing give it up, move
to a new place and starting a fresh. Leaving it to fate or probability whether
I am happy there. My choice, stay here, there is more happening here than the
promise of something new in Mumbai. Someone more practical may have relocated.
Not that it is the wrong answer but definitely not the right one for me. A
matter of choice and what I am willing to live with. Originating from a core
idea that I want everything to be pure in an abstract sense and I feel I can
get that better here.
Relationships are very diverse. What my friends and family
see in me is very different from what I see in them. What they look for in me
is very different from what I look for in them. I feel it is a result of our
unique character. The way we perceive things are very different and our actions
are a reflection of that.
We celebrated secret Santa at office. It was an opportunity
to interact with many I work with. While I was on the fence at best about the
whole thing, I was surprised how thoughtful people can be. I don't interact
with many so I was pleasantly surprised when I received a notebook with Warli
art on it. While interacting with many was a plus it was delightful to
understand how people perceive about me. I was proud to realize they saw
someone who I have been striving to be.
I am still sifting through my dark forest, my discoveries so
far have been endearing. Slowly but surely I am armoring myself to become the
warrior who will step out from the dark forest.
Sometimes there is peace from walking, listening to music,
walking to the beat. I am walking in Bangalore but my mind is lost.
I understand true darkness and the burden it carries.
Borderline depression is around the corner. I have gotten used to living alone
and the pleasure it carries to open up my mind. The scary reality of what my
mind is, what it is capable of. Replaying all those moments when i could have
completely lost it. The potential for disruption it carries in my life
sometimes feels like walking a tight rope. I don't pressurize my mind at any
instance scared of the vulnerability it carries. My fear of change grows
stronger with each day, fear of what i might become, fear of loosing control.
Consciously being complacent to stay away from those moment that could push me
over the edge. In dire need of workout to strengthen my mind.
Every day goes by like the minute hand of the clock. When I
wish it went quickly, i am aware of each second, when I scavenge for time
hardly any found. At the end of the day I wonder, what have I done. I repeat
day after day, unable to manage my time efficiently but slowly getting there. I
am an ardent advocate of changing times but now i practice certain set of activities
day after day in an effort to manage my time, to resist the tides that change
the flow of life. Again not sure if it is the best course of action but one
that I feel I must do.
Why do we just shut up and sit quite when speaking out could
bring more clarity. Be it with friends or colleagues, to shut up is more
damaging than to say something. When we speak up, we know what is going through
their mind, the alternative is to imagine what the other is thinking which is
often inaccurate. There is always a sense of anxiety when we imagine. On the
other hand, there is a sense of satisfaction when we speak up. It seldom goes
wasted.
It's been a year. I have been writing with the hope it would
get better after a year.
Today I am torn, wondering if I did match my expectations or
I am still walking through my dark forest.
I am better equipped today, might not be what I expected but
still far from what I was. My doubts today are not the same as what I had a
year before. So far I don't regret any decisions made this year. Given the
chance I would do it all over again, knowing I am satisfied and can live with
my choices. A year back, I was struck with the choice of moving to Mumbai or
staying here. I chose here, worked my way to secure a job. Though it wasn't what
I expected the perks have been immense. I have learnt that more often the
choices made rewards in ways i haven't thought about. I have no complaints,
it's a new learning every day. With hunger to learn more, building my armor as days go by.
**Listening to a brand new day - sting **